I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
