I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
