Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
