I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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