i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
