mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
