cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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