Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
