You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
