Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
