i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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