and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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