Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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