Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
