all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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