the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
