Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
