and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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