My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
please don't ironically join a cult
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