The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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