I wanna passion pit in your ass
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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