The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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