He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
