i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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