Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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