I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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