My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
