I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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