good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
