He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
