I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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