yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
