I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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