Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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