Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
