I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
