trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
