And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
