I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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