Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
