Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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