remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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