I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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