Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
