I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
