So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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