i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
