Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Bring me that man meat
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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