Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
