and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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